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by Rawr2013



Category: Wicked - All Media Types
Genre: Depressed! Glinda, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:47:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28604709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawr2013/pseuds/Rawr2013
Summary: Elphaba finds Glinda on the bathroom floor in the middle of a panic attack.
Relationships: Elphaba Thropp/Galinda Upland
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





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**Author's Note:**

> This is the plot bunny that decided to take up residence in my brain. 
> 
> Warning: Contains mentions of self harm. No graphic depictions of the act itself, but definitely referencing scars and tools.

“I love you! Even when you smell like dirty feet!”

“I love you too! Now get out of here!”

Elphaba grinned and pulled her arm out of the doorway just as the bathroom door shut. The girls had spent their time after school out on a date and then walking around some shops until the sun set. Elphaba had bought a kit of art supplies so she could make a poster for the science fair that Shiz was hosting for the local children, and Glinda came home with two new dresses for herself and one for Elphaba. After sitting in their room for a few minutes Glinda had declared that she smelled like stinky feet and Elphaba suggested that she go take a shower before bed. In mock irritation she crossed her arms over her chest and stomped into the bathroom to turn the water on, coming out a minute later completely naked and smiling through her fake pout.

After a few quick kisses Elphaba started to tickle Glinda, chasing her all the way into the bathroom. Once she was captured Glinda paid for her release with a lingering kiss that only ended when Elphaba started to tickle her again. Glinda playfully wrestled away from her roommate and shoved her out of the bathroom.

Elphaba smiled at her memory of the last few minutes and turned off the lights in their room, jumping into bed and falling asleep much faster than usual to the sound of the shower running.

* * *

She woke up early in the morning to use the restroom and was surprised that the bathroom door was closed and the light was on. She lay in bed for a few minutes waiting, but when Glinda didn't come out she got impatient. She walked to the bathroom door and knocked gently.  
  
With no reply and starting to worry, she knocked louder, then knocked while she called Glinda's name, then tried turning the knob. It was locked, of course, but she felt like she had to try. She spent some time shaking the door, her worry growing exponentially, before digging around in her desk drawer for a pin small enough to pop the lock in the doorknob. Her hands were shaking, but she straightened the end of a paperclip and inserted it in the small hole in the doorknob, hearing a quiet click as the door unlocked.  
  
Elphaba held the door closed and braced herself for what she might find on the other side of the door. She winced when the white light hit her eyes and felt a lump in her throat when she saw her girlfriend sitting on the floor. Glinda was naked and her wet hair clung to her neck and back. There was no water dripping from her hair and a puddle had formed around her, so she knew she must have been there for a while. Glinda was sitting with her legs crossed and her upper body hunched over, her forehead resting on the cabinet beneath the sink.  
  
She had first found Glinda in this state almost three years before, and over the years had helped her work through it a handful of times. She looked around the bathroom and went through the things she knew she could do to help Glinda, carefully noting the things she knew not to do as well.  
  
She couldn't understand what the other girl was feeling, but she was thankful to have some idea of what she may be experiencing. They had talked about it before, as a sort of assignment from Glinda's therapist. Glinda had walked her through how sometimes suddenly it became hard and even painful to breathe, and how just that sensation was terrifying on its own. How her hands would start to tingle until eventually they just went numb. How her vision would tunnel and her ears would ring so loudly that she couldn't hear anything.  
  
Elphaba played that reasoning back in her mind several times until it melted away any anger or frustration that she was holding onto. _She couldn't hear you. She doesn't know you're here._  
  
She took a deep breath and grabbed the towel that was folded on the bathroom countertop and used it to soak up most of the puddle on the tile floor. She carefully picked it up and placed it in the sink so it could drop safely. Then she opened a bottle of lavender scented oil that she used to clean herself and rubbed it on her arms and calves, knowing that the scent would eventually let Glinda know she was there.  
  
Finally she took a seat beside her girlfriend, being sure not to touch her. She mirrored Glinda’s position with her legs crossed and her head resting on the cabinet. From here she could see the craft knife that was included in the art kit they had bought just hours before. Glinda was holding it in her right hand and slowly moving her thumb and first finger across the textured grip. The way she was folded over herself, Elphaba couldn't see if she had done anything with it.  
  
As she sat she carefully prioritized and processed all of the thoughts racing through her head. She asked herself every question that she had and came up with some sort of answer so she could put the thoughts away. She closed her eyes so she would stop watching the knife spin in her love's hand.  
  
When Glinda finally spoke, it startled Elphaba. She sounded nothing like her usual self. Her voice came out cracked and weary.  
  
"I didn't do it."  
  
"Okay." Elphaba felt like she could finally take a deep breath again. _Thank goodness._  
  
"I want to do it."  
  
"I know." She opened her eyes to see that Glinda had stopped moving the blade around in her hands. Her knuckles were white with how tightly she was holding it.  
  
"I hate this."  
  
Elphaba remained silent. She shut her eyes again and focused on her breathing, knowing that was something that Glinda could fall back on to help regain control.  
  
After several minutes Elphaba could tell that her girlfriend was working to match her breathing. She opened her eyes and turned her gaze to Glinda's hands again, still tightly holding the craft knife. She knew it was a risk, but she steadied herself and cleared her throat before she spoke. "Can I come closer?"  
  
She heard Glinda take in a breath and hold it for an impressively long time. When she finally exhaled the air hissed out of her nose, and even though her mouth remained shut Elphaba heard a clear 'mhm' sound. She wiggled closer so that their legs were touching. She started to get comfortable there and was surprised to hear Glinda speak. "More."  
  
She opened her eyes and studied the girl beside her. At first glance nothing had changed, but when she scanned her body again she saw that Glinda's eyes were open. Elphaba took her left hand and rested it with her palm facing up on Glinda's knee. She knew that if her palm was down she would move her fingers to try and soothe her and based on Glinda's demeanor right now she knew that would be too much stimulation.  
  
They sat there comfortably for over half an hour before Glinda sat up and relaxed against the wall. Elphaba followed her change in position and took the opportunity to scoot even closer so their sides were touching. Her eyes kept moving to the knife, once again rolling ever so slowly in her right hand. She focused on her breathing once more and tried not to react when she felt the warm metal fall into her hand. She carefully reached across her body with her right hand to pick it up and placed it on the floor beside her, pulling Glinda's discarded nightgown over to cover it up.  
  
Soon after Glinda moved her hand up to rest in Elphaba's. The green girl gently squeezed it and Glinda intertwined their fingers. After another fifteen minutes Glinda started to wiggle her fingers, something Elphaba was used to her doing when she was shaking off the tingling sensation that followed the numbness.  
  
She could tell the instant when Glinda was back in control because she heard her eyes blinking rapidly, like she was just waking up. The room remained silent until Glinda croaked out a weak apology.  
  
Elphaba finally turned to look at Glinda, hoping to get her to bed quickly. Her shoulders had relaxed considerably, and her eyes were shut again. "Do you think I can help you stand up?" Glinda gave the slightest nod, so she stretched a little and worked to stand up herself.  
  
Once she was up she used her foot to push the craft knife and Glinda's nightclothes behind the door, then she squatted down to be at eye level with Glinda. "You ready?" Glinda opened her eyes and Elphaba felt a lump in her throat at how empty they looked. She could tell that this wasn’t over. Glinda let her hold her hands and pull her up, and they stood there for a few moments until she felt steady on her feet.  
  
Glinda led the way into their bedroom and plopped down on the floor beside Elphaba's bed. "I'm wet."  
  
She went to grab Glinda's towel and cursed under her breath when she saw it sitting in the sink. Instead she grabbed one of her own small, soft towels that she used to apply her oils. She put it on the edge of her bed and grabbed Glinda's hairbrush. She reached down and pulled Glinda up into a standing position, brushing her damp hair as quickly and gently as she could. She put the brush on a desk and reached for the towel, using it to dry the water on her legs first before delicately drying her neck and behind her ears. She pulled back the blankets on her own bed and led Glinda to take a seat there and left to dig through her backpack. She found an individually wrapped package of three cracker sandwiches with peanut butter and opened the plastic, holding one near Glinda's hand. She shook her head so Elphaba gently opened her tightly balled fist and put the cracker in it. "You need energy. Food will help."  
  
"Nothing will help." Glinda threw the cracker on the floor, crumbs and bits of dry peanut butter scattering beneath the bed and desk. Elphaba took a few deep breaths and opened a drawer in her desk to get a pain reliever and reached to the top of Glinda's desk for a cup of water. She opened her own mouth and tapped Glinda's arm until she did the same, dropping the pair of white pills on her tongue and putting the water up to her lips. Glinda finally complied and took the cup in her own hands, tilting her head back to swallow the medicine.  
  
She took the cup and put another cracker in Glinda's hand, hoping that holding the cup and taking a sip of water would be enough to make her switch to autopilot and eat. As she turned to get a shirt for her to wear she heard a crunching sound and smiled slightly. She put one of her own oversized shirts on the bed beside Glinda with the last cracker sandwich on top and kissed her girlfriend's forehead. "I'm going to use the bathroom. Put this on if you want. I love you."  
  
She walked into the bathroom but didn't shut the door, planning to quickly relieve herself and be back in the bedroom. Once she finished she cleaned her hands and gathered the clothes that were hiding the craft knife and let the knife fall onto the floor. She buried it in the bathroom trash and vowed to take it out first thing in the morning, and then took Glinda's towel from the sink and draped it over a hook on the wall so it would have a chance to dry out.  
  
Elphaba turned back to the bathroom door and was surprised to see her girlfriend standing a few feet back from the doorway. Her abdomen was adorned with faint scars that she had never seen before, a web of carefully placed self-inflicted wounds that created a rough, worrisome tangle of raised skin. She was wearing a pair of cotton underwear now, holding the last cracker in one hand and using a fingernail on the other hand to lazily trace the scars that she had given herself over the years. She had seen them in the faint light from their window and had even felt them while they made love, but she had never actually seen them like this.  
  
Feeling guilty for looking at something that had previously been so carefully hidden, she looked up at Glinda's face. She looked beaten and worn down, and Elphaba just wanted to hold her. Instead she scooted past Glinda and stood behind her, making sure her face was visible in the mirror. She watched Glinda's eyes as they scanned and scrutinized every inch of her skin, and she silently willed them to be kind. It took a while, but a pair of desperate blue eyes finally met hers in the mirror and she felt Glinda reach back for something to hold onto. She offered her hands and let Glinda take them and pull them around her in a hug. She squeezed her arms around Glinda and felt her lean into the hug, allowing herself to relax again. She put her chin lightly on Glinda's shoulder and started to hum softly.  
  
Each time a song came to an end, Glinda would squeeze her hands to silently request more. After three songs she could see tears welling up in Glinda's eyes, and she let go of Elphaba's hands to turn around and bury her face against her chest. She brought her arms up to hug her love, proud of her for working through her emotions and landing at this point where she wanted to be taken care of.  
  
"I haven't felt like this in so long..." She stopped humming so she could hear her better, but Glinda stopped speaking and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's waist and squeezed tightly. After a few frantic squeezes and a pitiful whimper, she started humming again. She understood now that Glinda needed to talk herself through what happened and didn't necessarily need anyone to listen or respond.  
  
"As soon as I read that it was in there I fixated on it. All this time I thought I was getting better and dealing with everything in a healthy way, but as soon as I saw an emergency exit I ran for it. And now I feel worse because I had to sit in those feelings for hours and I didn't even get the release I was craving. I can't stop thinking about it. I need help. Just hold me. Please."  
  
She continued to hum as she began to cry. She held Glinda tighter with every desperate sentence she spoke. When she was done talking but still shaking with sobs Elphaba started swaying, eventually using the momentum that she had created to take a few shuffling steps across the room so they were standing in front of her bed. She backed Glinda up to the mattress and adjusted her hold on the girl to pick her up so she could sit on the edge of the bed. She gradually got quieter and finished the last song by pulling away slowly and placing a lingering kiss on Glinda's forehead.  
  
She carefully let go of Glinda and leaned down to meet her tired eyes. "I need to leave a note that we won't be attending classes tomorrow so nobody comes knocking and wakes us up. I'm going to write it as fast as I can and I'll slide it under the door across the hall. Okay?"  
  
Glinda kept her arms around her girlfriend, silent tears still flowing from her eyes. Elphaba wiggled free from her grasp and helped Glinda lay down on her back in the bed. She grabbed a sheet of paper from her desk and dug around in the dark for something to write with. She quickly scribbled out a note that they would both be missing class because they were up sick during the night with instructions on who to bring the note to. She folded it and opened their dorm room door, keeping one foot in the room and bending down to slide the note beneath the door of the girls who lived across from them.

She came back into the room and turned off the bathroom light, pulling off her nightdress so she was left only in her underwear like Glinda was. Glinda was laying on her side now, so she crawled into the bed behind her, moving her body to fit perfectly around Glinda’s and wrapping her arms around her stomach. She gently shushed the crying girl in front of her as they gradually fell into silence. Glinda’s hands found Elphaba’s and held them tightly for a moment before turning around to face her girlfriend. She nestled her head into Elphaba’s neck and whispered “I’m afraid of myself.”

Elphaba moved to press her lips softly against Glinda’s forehead for a moment, lingering there for a while before returning to her original position and lightly squeezing the girl in her arms. “I know. But I’m here. I’ve got you now. You’re safe here, even from yourself. I’m right here and I love you.”

A few moments later she felt Glinda give up, releasing all of the tension that she had been holding in her shoulders for so many hours. She wiggled down a little so her head was against Elphaba’s chest and she let the steady rhythm of her heart and gentle breathing lull her to sleep.


End file.
